What I’m Drinking: Drip coffee from my Ninja Coffee Maker; Spring Blend with Vanilla Collagen Powder; keeping it real
Where I’m Drinking: My kitchen
What I’m Doing: Attempting to do real work while also attempting to shut out bad thoughts about my body
I’m currently sitting in my bathrobe on my living room couch, laptop on my knees. It’s early evening on a Tuesday, approximately three days before I go on my first true date in a long time.
I’m writing through tears in my eyes and intermittently picking up my phone to read the encouraging messages from my best friend while I panic here alone in my apartment.
Only 30 minutes prior, I was trying on my two potential date outfits so I would know whether or not to pencil in some time to buy new jeans before Friday. I put on the first bodysuit, pleased with the comfortable and soft material. I step into my jeans of choice and I zip everything in. It fits. I can breathe. From the front, it doesn’t look too bad. I turn to the side….
I strip down and step into the second bodysuit. Again, fits nicely, comfortably. Same pair of jeans. I don’t like this boring bodysuit as much, but does it make me look skinnier than the last one? I turn to the side…
I place my hands on my belly and squeeze my stomach muscles, sucking in as much as I can. I turn to the other side. I realize buying a new pair of jeans will not make me thinner.
I start to cry.
The truth is, I’ve been relatively blessed over the years. Even at my heaviest in the past, I could still pass for maybe curvy, athletic, but not fat.
Over the holidays this year, I let everything go. I was depressed, anxious and lonely, and I stopped taking care of myself. That carried over into mid-January when I got COVID. Getting that diagnosis only amplified all the above. It’s been a rough few months, and I did the damage to my body and my mental health. I could see it in the mirror and I could most certainly feel it.
A few weeks ago I decided to really start working toward making healthy changes in my life. They are small steps, but they are much needed. I am happy with my decision to start taking this seriously and making my health a priority, but there are moments that just keep popping up and reminding me of how far I have to go.
I have a date this Friday. And I am terrified.
I’ve always enjoyed going on dates. I love meeting new people, especially new people who I can easily get along with while drinking a few cocktails. I love the ritual of dressing up with somewhere to go, and I honestly have always enjoyed the nervous butterflies hours before.
Even more than that, I love the idea that this date could potentially be the last for me. Anyone who is single in their 30s can probably relate to that.
I want to make a good impression. More importantly, I want him to see my best qualities up close and personal.
But I’m scared. And frankly, I’ve never been this scared. I am living in a new body for me. I am heavier than I have ever been and I have never dated anyone feeling this discomfort. I don’t look the same in my clothes and that is a tough pill for me to swallow. To say the least.
I texted my best friend to tell her how I was feeling. I tell her I don’t want my appearance to overshadow all of my best qualities. I tell her I just wish he could see me when I had my shit together a little bit more than I do right now. I tell her I am this close to cancelling on something that I have been so excited about for over a week.
And I just keep thinking about how much I have enjoyed talking to him leading up to this date. How nice and genuine he truly seems. And about how much we have in common. He seems to be genuinely interested in who I am was a person. And I am scared all of that could just go away when he sees me for the first time.
My best friend reminds me that if he cares more about my appearance than the connection we have or my other qualifies that he isn’t a guy I would want to be with anyway. I know she’s right, but it doesn’t make my ugly thoughts go away.
I sit here thinking about the next three days. Should I just fast until Friday? I need to make sure I am drinking a gallon of water everyday until then. Maybe no carbs. Definitely going to work out extra hard.
All of these thoughts just make me sad. But they’re real.
And I don’t know about any of you out there who are feeling similar things, but know that you are not alone.
Oh, and also – dating in your 30s? Blows.