That’s the question on my mind these days.
I, like everyone else on Planet Earth, feel like I got shorted on a whole year back in 2020. Fast forward to February 2021, and I am still not feeling like I’m getting what I deserve.
That ^ is my selfish Millennial complaint that I can’t seem to shake. No matter how many times I remind myself to be grateful for all that I have, for the life that I have in the middle of all of this, for my health and safety and the health and safety of the majority of my loved ones – no matter how many times I take the time to remind myself of these very crucial realities, I still feel sad.
I came into 2021 with a positive mindset. I didn’t see any other way of getting through more pandemic than to be positive. And the first few weeks I felt empowered. I felt excited for the potential of a new year, and couldn’t wait to throw myself into my to-do lists and new habits.
And then I hit a roadblock. I got Covid-19, and I had to put everything on pause. No, really. I couldn’t do much of anything, and it sucked.
I got behind in work, I didn’t have the energy to get through a whole day without taking a nap in the middle of it, I couldn’t get out and do anything, and I felt discouraged. Add that to the continuous news cycle AKA the bearer of bad news and the cold, winter days, and I got very down. I’m still not exactly up.
And spending so much time alone – as I do, because I am single and live alone – I tend to wallow in my thoughts for far too long. From here I tend to bottle up all of these fears and anxieties and I have at least one emotional breakdown a month. I cry and I might yell at my unsuspecting mother because she just happens to be the one I talk to the most, and I feel even worse than I did before that.
Here’s the truth: I feel guilty about feeling the feelings that I feel. I feel selfish for feeling lost and caring so much about the time that I’m losing. And I feel so much sadness for the world we live in and for the happenings that we are all so deeply familiar with at this point. I want to go back to normal. No, not the new normal. Normal.
So, I sulk. I bitch and I moan for a little while, I read my Bible and I journal. I take a drive and clear my head. And, of course, I apologize to my mother for my outburst.
Then, I come to some conclusion. And that conclusion is the same on every single time: life goes on. Do I want to continue to wallow in all the crappy shit I cannot change? Or do I find another way? Do I consider new avenues for joy? Yes. It’s literally the only way.
I have been thinking so much about myself and how all of this crap affects me over the last year, and again, moving into this year. And while I don’t plan to throw all of my goals and resolutions out the window just yet, I don’t want to ever feel so wrapped up in my own grief that it impairs my vision of what is really important and to how much bigger this world really is.
It’s time to focus on what I can actually do this year, and maybe not necessarily everything I WANT to do. It’s time to focus on what I can change instead of what I’d LIKE to change. I don’t have that kind of power anyway. And I never have! You’d think 31 years later I would know that much to be true.
After allowing myself to just chill out after a stressful week of playing catch-up, it hit me. I CHOOSE to be better this year. I CHOOSE a better year.
And no, I don’t think it’s as simple as just saying it and believing it. It’s going to be really hard. It’s going to take a lot of personal discipline and growth. It’s going to require strategy and work.
It’s like that old insanity saying. We cannot keep doing the same things over and over again (or thinking the same things time and again) and expect different results.
I want to be happier? I have to make myself happy.
I’m not telling you what to do, and I’m not even saying any of this will work. But I am suggesting that this could make a huge difference in 2021.
Imagine if we all tried to be better and do better? Imagine if we tried harder to eliminate the things in our lives that only bring us down? What if we removed ourselves from situations that lead to more conflict?
As much as we would like to, we cannot control other people and what they do or say. The only thing we can control is how we choose to handle the hard.
This isn’t a guide, I’m not even telling you to do all the things that I’m planning to do. But I’m offering up some simple solutions that I hope will help make me a better person this year. A better person to my family, to my friends, to my co-workers and whoever I may come in contact with. My hope is for a better year.
You and I only have control over ourselves. We can’t solve the world’s problems. But we can start small. And we can make changes in the world around us.
- I’m spending my time away from social media as much as humanly possible. I’m realistic about this. I know it’s a part of our daily lives at this point, but I chose to get rid of my personal Instagram last summer and I have not looked back. I spend little to no time on Facebook, except for work on the occasion, and it feels good to control my access. I haven’t had Twitter since college, and frankly, I think someone should hack it and make it so no one can use it ever. I don’t know what it’s good for at this point, other than to “own” people you have never met and to spend only 5 seconds on a topic that needs requires nuance or, perhaps additional information, I don’t know… our social media isn’t what it used to be. And no, I am not a grandma for saying that. It’s not. It’s constant drama, vitriol, misinformation, and it’s riddled with animosity and intolerance. I’m not contributing to it anymore.
- I’m not watching the news anymore. I’m choosing to read it, and I’m choosing to do so at a more local level with just a splash of national attention. I’m not a conspiracy theorist, I don’t believe that all of the media is evil, and I’m not talking about fake news. It just doesn’t serve me. I would rather stay informed with a quiet cup of coffee in the morning instead of hearing awful soundbites and seeing something that will put me in a funk for the rest of the day. I’m over it. It’s too much. I don’t think the news was meant to be consumed from sun up to sun down. How are we supposed to live our daily lives with all of that heaviness on our shoulders? I’m just choosing to take it out of the equation for me.
- I’m staying focused. I find that when I seem to become the most melancholy is when I am not focused on what is in front of me and instead I’m worrying about something or someone that/who doesn’t even affect me directly. IT’S TOO MUCH. It’s not a bad thing to care, but when the caring about things that you cannot change consumes you, it has to eventually come to a head. And that’s a rough place to figure it out – when it’s too late.
- I’m volunteering. I have a few local volunteer opportunities I have had my eyes on for years and always felt I was too busy to get involved with them. I am working from home from now until eternity, so I figured there was truly no better time than now. I haven’t been able to leave my apartment yet, but I have already attended two informational Zoom meetings this week, and it could not be more perfect for an invalid like me. I already feel accomplished just making that first step.
- I’m just going to keep praying. I don’t know what is to come – for me or anyone else. I can’t see the future anymore. It’s hard to daydream these days not knowing what the world will look like in a month, let alone a year. And while that is incredibly hard for me to wrap my day-dreamy head around, I know if I keep praying for the ability to see what I’m supposed to be seeing in this difficult season, eventually it will reveal itself. There is a purpose in this time of waiting.